Ran's Diary

20190313; Wednesday; 2227.

I took Lexapro just now with a vitamin drink without eating anything today. I feel so bad because I couldn't eat properly, I couldn't sleep properly and everything went down to the drain. I feel so reckless, I feel so tired and this made me want to give away. 

I feel so empty, I feel so bad. I feel so wronged, I feel like a failure. I thought after enduring this for three years, I would be okay, but I'm not. I tried to kill myself and everything was indeed went worse. I wait again, in case I would be better. I was wrong again. 

Again, and again. 

Six months later I went to the hospital. Finding myself a real psychiatrist. I did tell her my suicidal thoughts and bad things that I want to do to myself. She asked about my background, things that made me this way; the first trigger. I don't know. I collect things and it became a filthy lump that would destroy me deep inside. 

My doctor suggests a psychotherapy. 

I want to give it a go. But we'll see. My stomach feels bad right now. I shouldn't swallow the pills without any food. I directly had a really acidic drink and I think it worsen my condition. Idk I hate eating. I can feel the disgusting food on my tongue and when it runs down my throat I can feel it pricking every inch of my oesophagus. 

I feel so hollow inside, what should I do? I tried everything I can. How long should I wait? Does it gets better? Can I be normal again? I'm not crazy. I know I was sick. But why did everyone thinks that something is wrong with me? Why does everyone asked me what is my problem? Why? I am normal. Nothing's wrong with me. No one understands me. Why would this happen to me? 

Can I survive? Can I be safe again?

- Raihana Izyan, Ran